Tuesday, August 02, 2005

man, I HATE days when I am emotional and bitchy for no reason. Today I am just frustrated all to hell with everything. I said "Fuck it" to the Kiri shawl, it will now be a Kiri head wrap thing since I stopped at six repeats. I couldn't stand it anymore, seriously. I couldn't find the needles for Mark's mother's shawl, which wil now be a scarf I think since I can't find another fern pattern besides Birch. He got here early for lunch, I was unprepared so grilled cheese it was. I can't get the printer to work, there are still clothes on the floor, and I just feel incompetent and crappy. Yesterday was such a nice evening, why am I so hurt and angry today? I guess just lots of small things have built up and I feel underappreciated, even if it totally isn't true. What DOES happen is I take on things I shouldn't, and try to do things for him, and when he doesn't throw himself at my feet in thanks I get grumbly. But the truth is, I take on those things; he doesn't ask me to. Sometimes I develop a martyr complex, and I'm doing it now. I just need to stop and do my own thing for a day or so, because it isn't healthy to get your self esteem from someone else, no matter how supportive they are.

It does hurt a little when he isn't ecstatic to see me, but that's unrealistic of me too. He's a really good boyfriend, but I expect perfection from everyone and it's getting me in trouble!

Some good things did happen today. My mom agreed to let him get a cell phone on our family's plan, so it will save him some money. I hooked up the scanner that has been collecting dust for two years, plugged it in, and it worked fine - no downloads or anything. The kiri is almost done (though smaller than originally expected, *grin*) and I got lots of genuine, "I'm not happy right now but I still want to be with you" kisses this afternoon. And if I can't make things better all the time and he still wants me, then that's a miracle (in my mind) in itself.