A whole bunch of crap!

Saturday, October 01, 2005


It's been a long week, to say the least. Nothing exploded, nothing melted over... it was just long. But I read a really good book today, in one sitting like I used to and it felt so good I can barely stand it. Not to mention it was good in itself -called Julie/Julia about a woman trying to make every recipe in Julia Child's cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year in her cramped apartment kitchen. It was funny, insightful, sometimes irritating (why does she hate vegetarians?? Can't please everyone I suppose). But I'd reccomend reading it when it comes out, this month I think, as I've got the Advanced Reader for it and I'm not letting go of it!

But it did make me think a lot. My life is really full, overly full if I think about it hard enough. All my life I've tried to do everything and do it right and get nothing done or fifty things half done. The truth is, I'm cheating the things that are important by expending excess energy on things that don't matter to me. And while it's not killing me now, I want to have kids some day. And actually, you know, be an artist full time. And be a good partner to my boyfriend. And I can't do those things when I use the energy I'm allotted for worrying about the most trivial crap ever. So here's my list of things I'm going to give up. I might need your help, readers, when I get caught from time to time. And I can't change a lifetime of habits in a few days. It'll take a long time for some, I'm sure. But now I know what I want, and that's a first for me.

1. Housework is not going to be a political debate any more. I say this, but Mark has never argued with me over what I "should" be doing. But I do it in my own head, and it's pathetic. The truth is, I enjoy cleaning. I like that deep breath one takes when you come in the door and everything shines. I keep thinking though, about all the advice women who are married ever gave me. "Men will only do as much as you expect them to." Well, I think this is crappy and I don't want to think of my boyfriend that way. When I ask him to do things, he does it. So why do I meanly leave the dishes unwashed when I have hours of free time in which to do them, just because I think "Hey!! He should do something too!!" He does do something.

2. I give up on amassing an amazing yarn stash, as least for now. That will come later, when I have a studio of my own with cubbies to fill with rainbows. Now I need money , and stability, and security. I will still be envious of knitters who can go to their stash and pull out enough amazing cashmere for a sweater. But that kind of clutter stresses me out, and it's not like I don't know the most amazing online shops and LYS who are GLAD to help me find that yummy project yarn. I am a damned good online shopper; I'll find it when I need it.

3. I'm going to cook and clean when I want to and when I feel like it. I won't feel guilty or taken advantage of. If I don't want to or don't feel like it, I'll ask Mark to, and I won't feel guilty about that either.

4. I'll paint and draw and knit when I feel like it. My boyfriend will not leave me if I don't produce a masterpiece. I haven't done it yet, and he's still here. I think I'll produce more this way anyway.

5. I will not get an A in every class. I will put on as good as senior show as I am capable of, and I will not feel horrified if mine is not the "best" work. I will work and enjoy the classes that interest me; I will do the necessary work for the ones I don't. I won't spend all my energy on a project that bores me. I will not quit it either.

6. I'll knit for enjoyment and to show love, rather than to win favors. And as a way to use up my ridiculous stash.

SIgning off for a few days. My secret pal sent me a great gift that came at just the right time. I'll photograph it in a few days, before I open it. (Except for the soap. I'm already using that in a delicious smelling bath. I may have to order more...!)